Cooking with Fabes: HOLIDAY EDITION

On Meatballs and Madness: A True story of One Man's Redemption in a World Gone Wrong. PART XI.

Well here we are Fäbloggers, the tail end of another Holiday season. We have crumpled wrapping paper, swollen tummies and a crackling fire in the fire place. A time to be thankful for the incredible gifts we have and those we will be returning because Dear God what were they thinking ? I WANTED AN OLDE BROOKLYN LANTERN PEOPLE IT CAN LIGHT UP A WHOLE ROOM. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO EAT HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT ? DO YOU ?

Life is pain, this we know. To stop this horrifying miasma of pasta-y flashlights and ennui we turn to holiday tradition. In the Fabian family, christmas is kind of strange, we open our presents on Christmas Eve like the French, do stockings on Christmas morning as different thing, and the creme de la creme, eat Swedish Meatballs on Xmas Eve.

Let me just put this right out there. FORGET IKEA. This is the real shit, these are a Swedish family recipe handed down from generation to generation.
 AND THEY ARE THE BEST THINGS EVER.
Now for once we have photo documentation not done by me and a shaky i-phone, this shit was shot professionally by my future bro-in-law M.Marerro and it is so swag its swug. That's the past tense of swag. You learned a thing today, good for you !

LETS GET TO THIS MEATBALLS WAIT FOR NO PERSON.
To set the mood, this is what cooking in the Fabian house sounds like.

Just add more swearing and threats of bodily harm coupled with fantastic wine and you have 3pm at the  ol' Homestead.

Put pork and beef in a bowl. Look at the dramatic shadows, that is the batman of a bowl of ground meats.
SWEAR TO ME

AAAH fuck AAAh
Mix that meat into a meat-a-rita, or just like mix it together with your hands like a caveman.

OH god its HD look at that meat its like Blu-ray meat.

Slice white bread so that the crusts have fled. Real Swedes use.. Peppridge farms ? I guess ? whatever play through.

Eggs. Ground White Pepper. Heroin Ground Allspice. Did you know that Allspice is not a blend of spices but a fucking Berry called Allspice ? I think thats a little goddamn presumptuous of whoever named it. Right ? I'm mad about spices.

Combine sauce with Bread and Mush.

Add ALL OF THE ONIONS IN THE TRISTATE

You gotta grate the onions and this will make you weep the tears of a spurned tapir. They just look kinda sad y'know ?

 

Awwwww. Sad Tapir is Sad.

COMBINE. WORK WITH GRANDMOTHER. This is my grandmother on my father side. We refer to her as Farmor, the traditional swedish appellation for the Fathers Mother. (Far-more) She is the best ever and I love her more than tapirs. 

AND I LOVE TAPIRS. full stop.

Just for scale purposes. It is apprx. Three (3) Farmors to One (1) Fabes.

Mush it all up. MUSH MUSH MUSH MUSH MUSH MUSH MUSH MUSH SMUSH.

OUTTA MY GRILL SON I GOT MEAT HANDS

Did I mention mushing ? Cause there is a lot of goddamn mushing involved. 

"A Veritable Embarrassment of Cutting Boards" might be the title of my Memoirs.

This is pretty indicative of the whole process. 

 You gotta roll meatballs. It is a process. Wet the palm of your hand, take meat out of bowl, roll meatball, receive criticism from entire family on size and quality of meatballs, yell for 15 minutes. Roll another meatball, etc. etc. repeat. 

Spheres on spheres on spheres

OH GET MACRO ON IT OH MAN. OHH YE#AAH.

Fry them puppies up with a little butter.

Serve with mashed potatoes and gluttony

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM for details.

The sauce is the juice in the pan with some tweaks 

I DONT KNOW I DIDNT DO THE SAUCE.

Its ok to be jealous, I mean what did you have for Xmas eve, a ham ? Scrub. A fine Christmas goose ? Pleb. This is a straight up SMORGASBORD in the truest sense of the word. 

True story one year we cooked a goose for Christmas for the SOLE REASON of being able to talk about having a "Christmas Goose" for dinner. 

I think that might be the first completely Ironic Meal we ever shared as a family. Shit was post-modern as hell though. 

All thanks go to Farmor for passing down the recipe to your humble chef de cuisine, and for the 22 years of love and meatballs before then. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, no matter what you celebrate, and a happy New Year !

This is Chef. Fabes signing off !

COOKING WITH FABES: TASTE THE GENIUS

Bonjour Fabloggers, I love you all. In this grinding election season, I know I am the only light in your life. I will strive to provide the joy you need to keep going in the form of "funny" food blogs. It's alright to cry.

 I mean if you want to chant my name in the streets I won't stop you, Like, if you NEED to sculpt a bust of me out of the purest obsidian with glittering rubies for eyes and GLORIOUS HAIR hewn from a solid rock of onyx, I cannot intervene.... and on that note BARGAIN FRENCH ONION SOUP.

 French Onion soup is maybe my favorite thing in the whole goddamn world. Now this isn't exactly the way that ol' Grandmere Margules makes it, this is a more...egalitarian version. I call it Steakhouse French onion soup, I made up the "recipe" as I went along. This is for les enfants de la patrie !

Listen to this while we prepare the soup. Look at the words, shit is wild.

Wegmans peppercorn marinated steak - reduced price: $5

Plus I got a new knife ! I shall call her Pinky. 

Grill up some of that steak. Cheap steak for this cheap skate makes me freak.

A stolen landshark is much better than normal. Pilfer a beer from your roommate FEEL THE RUSH OF CRIME! TASTE LARCENY. Larceny tastes like bud light that is pretending to be corona, which is bud light that is pretending to be Mexican.

Grill le steak.
Wait till the blood rises.
And waters the furrows of our fields.
At this point preheat your oven to 350º
Listen to 98º. No dont do that. That's not even relevant.

Some Like it rare. ME. I DO.

 I like my steak like women like me....rarely ! HEYO *swings golf club* 

Slice it up goooood. Use Pinky. 

This is the cheese we'll be using for our bread pieces. It's Yanceys Fancy Steakhouse Onion cheese. I was inspired to make this soup, because this cheese is like French Onion Soup in cheese form. So we're having French Onion squared.  Cost- $3.49

Cut some slices of sourdough bread and place cheese on them tenderly. Play Kiss from a Rose by Seal why you do it.

<
BAAAAABY. Photo credit to Mme.Armstrong

Add the soup to a pan. This photo is blurry, not because I'm a shitty photog, but because its moving SO FAAAAAAAAAAAAST

 

Steak in the Pot. 

Stir it. Oh Pinky, is there anything you CAN'T do ?

Put your bread and cheese in the oven until you cannot avoid the smell of pure GODDAMN ECSTASY

Not the most traditional oven mitts, but they do the job. And yes the finger is cut off on purpose, it had practical applications for my important and CRITICAL job. Secret stuff, can't talk about it, very hush hush. 

Ohhhhhhh yeah. Le Fromage est fort mes amis. La fromage est belle !

Soup and croutons. This was delicious. and Cheap. Which is its own rewards.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH

As always, your chef de cuisine, signing off.
-Fabes